The weather is changing. My heart is changing.
Our apartment lease is up on Oct. 31st and we still haven’t packed a single box or found a rental house to move into. I keep saying I don’t feel nervous about it, but I keep having recurring dreams that I am homeless. Logically, I know that is far from the truth. There are plenty of places to pick from, we’re just holding out for something that feels special, like “home”. We want so many things in our first little house, but the #1 thing is to have a garage/workshop for Pioneer, because our living room is packed full of tools and worktables right now. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things. We’re going out all day Saturday and looking at a ton of places.
I’ve had so many amazing conversations lately. It’s exhausting, but good.
Here are some snippets from emails & texts with friends:
“I am excellent at finding the silver lining in my day to day life. I look at life positively that way. I love pointing out the small joys that we often overlook. I also am confident in the security of my eternity. But everything else? A journey. A process. The nitty gritty. That’s the hardest part.”

“Something I’ve learned about myself is that I have a tendency to hold in my emotions until I’m sure how something is going to turn out. I dont let myself “go there”. I don’t let myself feel joy or hope or sorrow or despair until I get to the end of whatever it is. Then the emotions comes flooding out. It’s unhealthy. My mom said I need to have more “maintenance cries” (cry a bit then move on) instead of holding it all in and then releasing the flood gates of emotions when they’re about to burst. Haha. I’m working on it.”

“If something turns out good, I don’t want to feel silly for worrying. If something turns out bad, I don’t want to feel silly for having hope. “

“Is it possible to have hope for the future without also having to feel the pain that it might not happen? I have a feeling the two cant be separated and i think that’s why I tend to just distance myself from the whole idea of hopes and dreams. I’m working on changing that.”

This isn’t just about finding a house. It’s about broken relationships that seem unfixable. It’s about wanting to grow our family. It’s about wanting to settle in one place for a while. It’s about wanting to do so much more with Pioneer.
Joe told me the other day that lately he keeps having these mini epiphanies about his life, and it kind of makes him nervous because he feels like he’s being prepared for something big that’s coming around the corner. I was secretly feeling the same way. At least we’re in this together. We’re both changing and growing and stretching. I’m ready, but my voice and knees still shake a little at the prospect of the unknown. I’m trying to let myself “go there” more often. To dream big. To hope. To not feel silly if plans change. To be okay with heartache because it means I was all in.
