September 20, 2012
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Change.
The weather is changing. My heart is changing.
Our apartment lease is up on Oct. 31st and we still haven’t packed a single box or found a rental house to move into. I keep saying I don’t feel nervous about it, but I keep having recurring dreams that I am homeless. Logically, I know that is far from the truth. There are plenty of places to pick from, we’re just holding out for something that feels special, like “home”. We want so many things in our first little house, but the #1 thing is to have a garage/workshop for Pioneer, because our living room is packed full of tools and worktables right now. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things. We’re going out all day Saturday and looking at a ton of places.
I’ve had so many amazing conversations lately. It’s exhausting, but good.
Here are some snippets from emails & texts with friends:
“I am excellent at finding the silver lining in my day to day life. I look at life positively that way. I love pointing out the small joys that we often overlook. I also am confident in the security of my eternity. But everything else? A journey. A process. The nitty gritty. That’s the hardest part.”
“Something I’ve learned about myself is that I have a tendency to hold in my emotions until I’m sure how something is going to turn out. I dont let myself “go there”. I don’t let myself feel joy or hope or sorrow or despair until I get to the end of whatever it is. Then the emotions comes flooding out. It’s unhealthy. My mom said I need to have more “maintenance cries” (cry a bit then move on) instead of holding it all in and then releasing the flood gates of emotions when they’re about to burst. Haha. I’m working on it.”
“If something turns out good, I don’t want to feel silly for worrying. If something turns out bad, I don’t want to feel silly for having hope. “
“Is it possible to have hope for the future without also having to feel the pain that it might not happen? I have a feeling the two cant be separated and i think that’s why I tend to just distance myself from the whole idea of hopes and dreams. I’m working on changing that.”
This isn’t just about finding a house. It’s about broken relationships that seem unfixable. It’s about wanting to grow our family. It’s about wanting to settle in one place for a while. It’s about wanting to do so much more with Pioneer.
Joe told me the other day that lately he keeps having these mini epiphanies about his life, and it kind of makes him nervous because he feels like he’s being prepared for something big that’s coming around the corner. I was secretly feeling the same way. At least we’re in this together. We’re both changing and growing and stretching. I’m ready, but my voice and knees still shake a little at the prospect of the unknown. I’m trying to let myself “go there” more often. To dream big. To hope. To not feel silly if plans change. To be okay with heartache because it means I was all in.
Comments (9)
Here’s wishing you and Joe the very best and hoping that youj find “your” house soon.
Sounds like change is in the air – and I don’t mean just a new place! Hope you can dream big and succeed!
“To be okay with heartache because it means I was all in.”
I LOVE the way you put that. I’m absolutely going to use that. It does help to think of it that way. This whole thing with me and Nick hurts so much.. but at least the reason it hurts is because I put everything I was into it, and I will always have the fact that I tried. At least once upon a time, maybe not recently. But you know.
I hope you find the perfect little place for yourselves (and secretly I hope that ends up being in Norman lol)
I like the whole range of feelings in this post. We’ve all experienced these at one time or another. Hope you find that special place for you and Joe!
@KarensPotpourri2@heart_beep - @murisopsis - Thank you.
@BohemianLotus - Most of our prospects are in Norman. Seems like duplexes around there have all the things we want and are in our price range. We do have a couple of leads up around Lake Hefner though too, which would be AWESOME, so we’ll see!
@Mdd16436 - Cool. There are a BUNCH of duplexes in my neighborhood, I wonder if any are there? That would be cool! I’ve been walking by them in the evenings on my walks, I saw one that was for rent and thought of you, but wasn’t sure if you wanted a duplex, lol. All the duplexes in my neighborhood are on streets with “Crystal” in the name or streets with bird names. *hopeful* (hey! walking budy?!) Lake hefner WOULD be cool, though.
@BohemianLotus - Yes! I know exactly where you mean. We looked at a few duplexes in that loop/neighborhood but none of them panned out for various reasons. Too funny how close we were!
Ugh, I just hope we find something soon, I started packing today!
@Mdd16436 - LOL You were 30 seconds drive away! You probably passed my house.
Great big beautiful things are on the horizon for you both. Amazing things. Scary but the good kind of scary…the exciting kind!