April 9, 2013

• Heart: All or Nothing

  

  We went to the Medieval Fair on Saturday. I’ve been invited two or three times in previous years, and something always comes up that takes a bigger priority. Not this year. We made it happen! Saturday morning as we locked up the house and headed out the door I exclaimed to Joe “Look! We’re doing something fun! Outside of the house!”  

  

  We’re homebodies. Our “parties” usually consist of getting takeout food and having a movie marathon with animals snuggled in our laps.  I like it that way. We’ve got a good rhythm, but sometimes its good to shake it up. So we went, and you know what?  It was really fun.  By the end of the day I was definitely ready to go back to the sanctuary of my house, but it had been worth it.  

  

  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I seem to be “all or nothing” when it comes to relationships/friendships. I have a couple of very close friends from Miracle Mountain Ranch. That place is like a pressure cooker for quality friendships. I’ve also made a few very close friends online. We can “ugly cry”, bare our hearts and souls without judgement, and challenge each other to keep growing. It’s hard to live far away from friends like these.

  

  It’s difficult for me to meet new people. I think I’ve worked hard to sort through a lot of my issues with feeling shy/insecure, but sometimes its not that. Sometimes I just don’t want to go through the painstaking process of starting at “small talk” level with someone, not knowing where it will end up. It’s kind of selfish of me, actually.

  

  I used to obsess about whether or not someone enjoyed my company, replaying everything I’d said to them in a conversation. Then one day Joe said the less time I spent analyzing, and the more time I spent just doing what I love with my time, the more I would find people who were supportive of the same things as I am. So for a while now, I’ve done just that. Pioneer Artisanworks was born in the midst of that. Unapologetically and confidently doing what I love, even if it doesn’t make sense to most people. 

  

   In that, I have found more and more people who have a few things in common with me. Each relationship/friendship has a place, and that’s not something I could have said I believed a couple of years ago. I’ve always liked my tight knit circle of friends, and it used to seem wasteful and silly to shoot the breeze with someone I didn’t know well. I’m proud to say that I’m not that way anymore, and I can feel the way it is changing me. My reserved approach was always based on protecting myself, and the more confident I become, the easier it is to let more people into my life. 

  (Isn’t this picture awesome? It makes me happy.)

  

  (Lily and I wore matching flower crowns to the fair, and someone always asks if we’re sisters when we’re together. I should have topped up my purple streaks so we could have been hair twins too.)

  

  (Also met up with my MMR roomie, Bethany)

  

  Small talk isn’t trivial if it was the bright spot in someone’s day. It’s okay to open up a little with someone without pouring out the entire floodgates of my soul every time. Not sharing EVERYTHING doesn’t mean its completely shallow. “ALL OR NOTHING” is usually regarded as a brave and positive thing. In this case, however, I think “all or nothing” was me being cowardly and it was having a negative effect on my ability to interact with the people in my life. 

  

  I’m finding the fun in making connections with people, and most importantly, I’m seeing the value in those budding friendships, regardless of how fast or slow or deep they grow. I’m along for the ride. I’m repeatedly making an effort to let go of trying to plan everything to the letter in my life. I’m getting there, at least.

  

  • 1:34 pm
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