May 22, 2013
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Heart: Come Alive (update)
I keep waiting for this heaviness to lift off of my soul. But it just sits there. On top of my heart. Weighing me down. Laboring my breathing.
We typically skip town completely when there is any sign of possible tornadoes. We pack up the animals and go far, far away. We live about 8 miles away from where the tornado hit in Moore on Monday. The Warren Theatre– we splurged once and went there for a date night to see the Hobbit in 3D not too long ago. Now its barely standing and everything around it is completely wiped out. We almost rented a cute little house just behind the Warren Theatre. A house that is no longer standing.
We watched the live coverage while sitting at my parents kitchen table. I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. I told Joe it was like watching an apocalypse movie—but it was real life and buildings I’ve been inside of. When they panned across all those destroyed homes, and the two obliterated elementary schools that had indeed been in session, my heart began to ache. My face felt numb. My mind hummed with white noise. That’s when the heaviness sank in on top of me. It won’t leave.
I keep waiting for the tears to come. When I first heard about my family’s tornado back in 2010, I remember hanging up the phone, dropping to the bed, and just wailing this mournful sound. I couldn’t have stopped it if I had tried. Joe just held me tight, and the tears poured and poured until they were gone and all I had left was to wail. It helped, too. It released a lot of that heaviness and let me breathe a little easier as time went on. The past couple of days have been so packed they feel like a week or two. I’m still processing it all and coming to terms with it.
All the feelings I experienced when my parents & siblings survived the tornado in 2010 have been rushing back to me. Back then I was very far away (in Florida) and feeling completely helpless. Now I’m here, 8 miles away from the destruction and I still feel helpless. When people hear of a tragedy like this…the first thing they ask is “Do you know anyone in that area? Are they okay?” and I know that’s natural, to want to connect with those we know and love. That makes sense. But what about all the people I don’t know? Me knowing them or not knowing them doesn’t change the fact that they’re in shock, in pain, or dead.
Sunday evening a tornado hit the construction site Joe’s been working at. It was a brand new hospital that was fixing to open in 2 weeks. The tornado caused millions in damage and is now set back by six months. I’m so thankful no one was at work that day.
Monday night after the coast was clear, we headed back into town and decided to drive by @BohemianLotus house since no one had heard from her after the tornado. Joe and I pulled into her neighborhood and we were like “Should we knock on the door? Should we just make sure their cars are there? What if they don’t answer? Should we peek in the windows? Is that weird?” hahaha. Luckily we didn’t have to decide because she and Nick were just stepping out their front door as we pulled into their driveway. Perfect timing. You can read her scary account of the day here.
Today I woke up and set to work researching ways to help. Every organization I contacted either had too many volunteers (what an amazing problem! Go Oklahoma!!) or they weren’t ready for volunteers until later in the week. I did manage to set up appointments for Joe and I to go donate blood. I don’t know if they’ll take mine due to low iron levels…but we’ll see. So we found ourselves feeling helpless and decided to just do what we know. Make art. Joe’s working on a little something out in the shop right now that we’ll be able to sell and donate proceeds to disaster relief here locally. I’ll share more details soon.
I contacted our church to find out where we could help them out too. I was told that all of the immediate needs have been met, but to stay tuned because our church is “in it for the long haul”. It helped me put it into perspective a little bit. Right now everyone is rushing in and eager to help and they are overflowing with so many helpful, caring, hardworking, sacrificial people. It’s so needed and its beautiful how so many are banding together to support those in crisis. Somehow over time though, that urgency fades and we forget to make time to care for the long haul. I want to remember that these people whose lives have been shattered, the stories that make my heart ache, they will still be there next week, next month, next year. It has to matter to me then too. Life is busy and complicated, or at least we think it is, but you have to make time for what actually matters. Monday morning I had a list a mile long of things I needed to accomplish that day. Monday afternoon, as the weather started to gear up, I’d moved a couple of the bigger items to another day in my planner. By Monday evening, I was looking in disbelief at my trivial to do list wondering why I had even thought ANY of it mattered to begin with. I deleted it all. I figure I can write a new list someday. Someday, but not today.
This has served as the prime opportunity for some to question our decision to live in Oklahoma. I’ll admit that I’ve considered researching states with the lowest amount of natural disasters to settle down in someday. But the real hard truth is that horrible, tragic, heartbreaking things happen no matter where you live. If its not an unpredictable natural disaster, its an unpredictable mass shooting, or an unpredictable bombing. No where is safe. So we gather around those we love and trust and add life back into our community by doing what we’re made to do.
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs.
Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
-Howard Thurman
I can’t live my whole life running away from all potential danger. I might try if I knew it were possible, haha, but it’s not. I won’t say I’ll stay in Oklahoma forever, because you just can’t know these things, and we have big dreams. But beauty blooms out of tragedy, and I’ve never in my life met more beautiful people than those in Oklahoma. Maybe its because they’re always there to band together in the aftermath of tornadoes. I can’t help but want to be around that kind of support.
I have to take breaks from the pictures and videos and news stories sometimes, because it just makes that ache in my heart grow and grow and that white noise in my mind get louder and louder. I thought maybe writing this down would help alleviate my heavy heart a little. It has. I took a break from typing to go see how Joe’s art project is coming along. I laughed at something he said and it was the sweetest feeling in the world. We take light-heartedness for granted. Say a prayer for Oklahoma, will you? While you’re at it, consider throwing out your trivial to do list one day soon and spend the time you save investing in something that truly matters. Come alive!
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Update:
Order here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/151863582/heart-of-moore-metal-wall-hanging?ref=shop_home_feat
Comments (17)
Yes, Oklahoma and her people blow me away. And, so do my children. Watching you all gather to help people you’ve never met causes this mama’s heart to come alive. Thank you for letting soul win.
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I too want to do something to help, so badly. This desire is especially heavy on my heart after what I went through on May 3 and I just keep thinking, man this is the perfect time for me to return the favor. I have no idea what I can do, so I am just keeping my eyes open and waiting for an opportunity to present itself that is within my means, physically and otherwise. I don’t know… maybe this is the universe’s way of protecting me from things that would be too upsetting to see, too many flashbacks? But I feel like I need to get in there and help, because maybe it could work as a way of facing the issue head on and healing finally.
I think it’s awesome that they are actually turning volunteers away.
Beautifully expressed.
KY seems pretty safe so far.
Been here 30 years and only ever had one teeny tiny “earthquake.” I think it cracked a brick in one of the banks. Hell if I know, I slept through it. We do get some nasty storms, though… Keep your trees trimmed and you should be fine.
In all seriousness though, it sucks being halfway across the country and not being able to do anything. Even if it was just bringing a blanket to somebody. I want to feel useful.
All day today people were coming into the store I work to get water, Gatorade, toilet paper, and canned goods to take to a church in town that was heading down to Moore tonight. The Woodward area is really gathering things up for the tragic mess.
A beautiful expression of perspective, Macy! Yesterday was absolutely shocking, and you were very brave and helpful going to help BohemianLotus. The need will be there for a long time — there are so many who are suddenly homeless, and they will need help in whatever form you can provide. The generosity of all the volunteers is enormous, and you are doing what you can in continuing to make your art and donating proceeds. You and Joe are wonderful people — please remember that always, and continue as you are. As to safety — there are places that are safer than in the middle of tornado alley, but the chances of disaster are everywhere — you need to choose a place to live for safety but also for all the other reasons you live there! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!
Many people advocate living in the present. Although it is necessary to savor the present it is also good to remember what is now history and to anticipate a little what is to come. It is the remembering and the forward thinking that allow us to be compassionate and sympathetic (two very valuable traits)! I hope all are able to sleep easy and breathe in the joy of living.
“What the world needs is people who have come alive.” Beautiful, but I’m not surprised that you included that quote, having met your parents. I’m not surprised either at the outpouring of community support from around Oklahoma and people running towards the devastation.
This is what Oklahoma does.
Excellent blog
wonderful post. praying for oklahomans–karen
upto I saw the receipt which had said $7482, I didnt believe that my sister could truly bringing in money parttime at their laptop.. there great aunt haz done this 4 only 19 months and resently paid the morgage on their villa and purchased a new Citroën DS. read more at, http://www.rev24.com
about giving blood and low iron levels…. I tried for years to give blood and they wouldn’t take me because my iron levels were low, I went to every blood drive anyway until one time the lab/sticker/needle person said they wanted my blood, I asked if the iron levels weren’t low and she said yes but I’m pretty sure your an A type and they are typically lower in iron because of lower stomach acid, which apparently is not good for absorbing iron through normal eating, but she said they needed A blood and have taken mine ever since. I turned out to be A+. You Rock Macy!!!!
The destruction is unbelievable. Glad to hear that you are nearby to help and that your immediate family was not hit by the tornado.
Hugs!!! I am sorry you have to suffer through this twice. You do have a point, it doesn’t matter where you go, tragedy is bound to find you anywhere. However, I believe that if I could chose, I would take weather tragedy over mass shooting or bombing any days!!
My heart and prayers go out to all those affected by the tornadoes!!! What a wonderful way to put your talent to work to collect funds for those in need! Bless you all!
Aw nuts, I’m crying again. I’ve been crying every morning for Oklahoma. I love that your church is in it for the long haul.
My thoughts are disjointed, so is this response. Sorry.
Eat chicken right before you go to give blood. They’re always telling me my iron is too low, but sometimes if I eat chicken first, they’ll take me.