This post is long overdue. It's been mulling in my brain for a couple of months.  I keep getting opportunity after opportunity to work through it--so it must be the theme of my life right now.  A lesson I probably need to learn at a new level....and I'm positive it won't be the last time either.

First of all, I don't understand how people think by talking out loud.  Joe does this.  Almost everyone in his family does this. They are brilliant, inspired people. They have ideas that reach places in the sky I didn't even know existed. But I've had to learn that just because Joe says something doesn't mean he's decided. It just means it's a random thought that is knocking around his brain.  It's a possibility. It's a dream. It's an idea.  But because of the way I think and dream (introspectively first, and carefully shared later) I used to go into a panic when Joe would start declaring things that were outside of my comfort zone.  I would get upset at him--"How you could decide something so important without me?!" and he would say "Well, I haven't really decided, I'm just thinking out loud!" I don't just blurt things out (well, not serious things anyway, haha). When I choose to speak up about something it is because its been brewing for a long time and I feel very passionately about it. I play things over and over again in my head, mulling them over, figuring out how to express them better, how to say them just right so that the person I share them with will hopefully understand my heart.

I approach disagreements and arguments this way too.  I don't just flare up at every little thing I disagree with. This world is full of SO many different points of view, and it amazes me to see what trivial things people argue about.  To me, my relationship with that person is WAY more important than getting my way.  If something goes against my ethics, I do my best to make a stand then.  But I think a lot of people confuse stubbornness with 'taking a stand'. They put their foot down over the silliest things.  Yes, I prefer pizza over thai food--but if they prefer thai, I will probably say "Let's go there--I'll try something new!"  But I know people that would both refuse to budge and then probably end up eating at home, each in their own kitchen. So I find myself being flexible and saying 'whatever works for you!'.  And most of the time that works because good relationships consist of give and take.  

Sometimes though, people abuse my "niceness". When I was a teenager, I clung to peers/relationships for security. I lost the ability to have an opinion. I molded to whatever they demanded. Clothes. Music. Interests. I lost myself. I was easily manipulated. I am still rebuilding...figuring out what I like to wear, listen to, spend my time doing. That's why I love that Joe makes me share my opinion before he shares his.  He gives me the floor and listens intently and values what I have to say. It's a glorious feeling. Because of my tendency to unhealthily latch on to people, I keep myself distanced to all but a few. I think because of this, I exhaust those closest to me sometimes with the outpouring of "realness" that I've been saving up, haha. When I'm with Joe or my mom, I 'practice' blurting out opinions in front of them. It never comes out right, but I feel loved and safe enough to stumble through it.

Because I am organized, accommodating, and a good listener--I seem to attract a lot of people who are disorganized, stubborn, and love to blurt things out without thinking.  These kinds of people are usually a whirlwind of inspiration to me. They are the people who become millionaires without ever going to college. They are fearless, they unapologetically make scenes in public, they speak up, they are incapable of failure. My husband, my in-laws, most of my past employers, and some of my siblings and friends are all this way.  I think its good to have these people in my life. Life is an adventure!

But I often tell Joe that I feel outnumbered by it all sometimes.  I feel like everyone around me operates on the same loud, bold, brash wavelength, and that I am this tiny person full of emotion and passion and feelings but no matter how loud I scream it comes out a whisper that no one notices. Joe reminds me that there are others who can relate with me, but they are being overshadowed too. I just love the vulnerability and depth of relationship that comes from sharing my heart with others.  I crave this with the people in my life.  Sometimes I get it sorted out, get up the nerve to say it, and then finally share it--only to have it blown off or completely taken the wrong way. This is what makes me clam up. I have even been called out as a shallow, uncaring person because of my silence. That could not be farther from the truth! My heart and soul are constantly on overdrive. I am so overly sensitive that I have to take a step back and breathe every once in a while!

Sometimes, I find myself holed up in my apartment in tears, in utter agony over something someone has said to me, trying to understand how they could possibly be so awful.  Because if they said it, it must be how they truly feel right?  Then I remember that so many people blurt the first thing that comes out and run with it. They like the hype, they like the drama, they like the attention.  All the while I'm taking every word like an arrow. to. the. heart.  I analyze their words from every angle, long after they've forgotten they even said them. I forget that my words have weight and theirs don't. And that right there is my #1 trouble in communicating with people. They don't take my words seriously, and I take theirs TOO seriously. Why is it that others can flare their emotions out in one giant dragon breath and then move on?  Have you ever looked at a dog or cat napping the day away and laughed at how easy they have it?  I feel this way sometimes about people who have the ability to deal with their emotions so simply. Like a child that throws a tantrum and then 5 minutes later they are playing happily again.  

But my emotions and passions and hopes and dreams and feelings CONSUME me to the point where I feel I could burst.  If its negative emotions, I literally go numb, break out in hives, get sick to my stomach, go days without sleeping, or cry so much I have no more tears. If its positive emotions, my whole body buzzes, I feel so alive, I try to tell everyone how happy I am and can never find the words to describe it to the fullest!  It's exhausting.  I guess without the lowest lows, I'd never experience the highest highs. But sometimes, I want to just be boring and have a no emotion day. My heart beats out of my chest and my cheeks flush when I have to answer the phone, or when someone knocks at the door, or when I have to go to a party.  I know I suffer with social anxiety.  I come home after a get together (even if I had fun) and I have to lay in the dark completely silent to calm my nerves back down. Sometimes I have to go hide in the bathroom to do that, just a few minutes to regroup and think clearly. Even a completely comfortable setting (like at home, with my cat), I will get inexplicably nervous. I don't know what to do about it. I constantly go back and forth thinking I can trick myself out of it with a mind game, or deal with it in some spiritual way. So that's an added barrier in trying to figure this all out.  Is it just in my head?  Is it just how I'm wired?  

I feel like I'm constantly struggling to speak up and show people that I DO care. It's all in there, I just don't know how to get it out without being hurt or hurting someone else. I want to be understood.  I want to be given the benefit of the doubt that I give others. I want depth. I don't want judgement. I don't want to argue over silly things. I just want to figure out how to be a healthy person and friend. Not having an opinion isn't it healthy. Beating people down and bullying them isn't healthy either. 

Here are some quotes that have really been helping me out lately:

"Release someone today from the comfortable little box that you keep them confined in with expectations to conform to your norm. They want to please you and its killing them to think that their choices are dividing your hearts. I want my kids to know that I'm proud of who they have become and that they are hereby released to pursue with passion all that is on their hearts to do." -My daddy

‎"...sometimes it takes being on the receiving end of [the] judgment to fully realize the impact it can have…to help us fully realize that we don’t want to make anyone else feel that way–ever." -Little Miss Momma (blog)

 

Breakfast at the guesthouse. Granola, orange juice, and some quiet time before the sun comes up. Everything tastes better at a turquoise table.

We are definitely french press people though, since Joe somehow managed to have leftover parts when using the guest house coffee maker.  haha

Sometimes we go for a walk while its still dark and then cool down while watching the sunrise:

But here lately, its been too cold for that:

I always visit with Newly, the ranch's only cat in the midst of a dog rescue. He needs extra loving because of this. hehe.

And I spend a lot of the day talking with my mom and rocking neurotic chihuahuas to sleep in my lap.  It's like therapy. For all of us. I call it my "two chihuahua nap". 

Oh, the ears!

And sometimes (when there's not a burn ban) we have bonfires. 

And the boys take turns burning things, and running the hose sprayer around the perimeter.

And then everything's right in the world.

And that's why I love visiting the ranch.

We went with two of my brothers to the pumpkin farm. Where Joe conquered a pumpkin.

Such quality family time. :/ One of these guys is mocking the other two. 

Corn MAZE!

At one point we were very lost and so we hugged like it was the end of the world, haha.  The shadow is pic is when we finally made it out alive.

Snack time!

Scary flower time!

Way awesome shadow pic--in which my brother gives me bunny ears.

Way awesome shadow pic--in which Joe's "zombie hand" is showing.

Tough boys?

Laughing boys.

Joe's new job has him working as a licensed Plumber's Apprentice for new commercial buildings.  He has chosen Mario as his own personal mascot--so that's what he had to carve into our pumpkin this year.

And this post has to end--as this puree went into pumpkin bread and is long gone by now.

Joe was in his element.

We even won a free woodcarving. We picked this wooden fairy house magnet.  

Joe's company picnic was at the zoo. We even got to wear matching company tshirts!  haha.

We saw a giant skull while we were there. Looks like something my mother would put in her living room. Don't all mothers put giant heads/skulls in their living room? Well, mine does.

Maybe that's why I make faces like these---

Yes, that's exactly why. 

I successfully made fried chicken from scratch for the first time ever!  I was so proud that I didn't even care that everything on our picnic was the same color!  Joe was pretty happy about our southern meal.  

We're packing up and heading out to Florida to see Joe's family. We were last down there in March for Rebekah and Eric's wedding. I promised myself I'll be taking WAY more pictures this trip than I did last time! I'm super excited to see everyone; I've missed the dose of crazy that they add to my life!!  Well, it hasn't been completely absent, as evidenced by these snippets from Skype and Facebook---but I'm looking forward to experiencing it first hand in a concentrated dose! hahaha. I love them!

My favorite JJ story ever (I LOVE bendy straws and this kid is a genius):

My sister in law, Nik posted this picture of JJ with blurry hands, and it made me think of this picture I have of Joe getting excited over donuts, haha. They are definitely related. So much excitement for life.

JJ is totally into Angry birds right now, so I made this card for him recently:

We talk with Joe's mom every Sunday afternoon. We usually Skype, but sometimes we talk on the phone in between church services on the days that I play piano.  :)

Isn't she adorable? 

And she puts up with this nonsense:

Our nephew, Alex--

(isn't Rebekah's scrap room fabulous? Check out her crafty blog here.)

Here's Alex peeking in to show Uncle Joe his latest (lego?) creation. haha I love it!

And I'll leave you with the cutest picture ever captured on a webcam--the newlyweds themselves.

Think happy thoughts for our roadtrip! We're stopping to see aunts and uncles and grandparents along the way! Also, think happy thoughts for a stress-free Thanksgiving, because getting this many adults and families together can be quite the ordeal sometimes.

I'm going to try and schedule some posts to play catch up while I'm gone so you can see what we've been up to the last couple of months!  Then when I get back--I'll tell you all about our new adventures in Florida.  :)

Still our favorite date place!

We got a flyer in the mail advertising half price burgers on Tuesdays.  Tuesdays are usually our date night, so perfect!

Remember this cartoon?  Well, my dad sent me this message while we were on our date, haha:

Happiness.  

He brings home pretty purple flower arrangements for no reason. 

 He even lets me share them with my kitty.  ;)

I haven't blogged in TWO months, so I'll be playing catch up for a while! These were taken back when the tree outside our window was still green! Now its bright yellow and losing its leaves!  ;)

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What are Husband Facts? 
There are so many things that I love about Joe--and so many ways that he shows love to me.I easily forget some of these little things, so this is my way of recording them.

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